What You Want to Hear

Go Forth

2011-08-18T10:52:00.000-07:00

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank
submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the
darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you
chances.
know them, take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death
in life,
sometimes.
and the more often you
learn to do it,
the more light there will
be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have
it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in
you.

2011-05-26T22:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder
Do goodbyes exist?
If only I had known.

I wish I knew everything and everyone. I wish I was connected with the closest of my comrades. I wish I knew exactly what they are thinking. Why can't voices be heard? Do people not know what they are thinking, or are they too afraid to admit it. Sometimes even when they do admit it, you can't even hear them.

Sometimes you have to wake up and get out of bed. It's tough, but then you can enjoy the day. I just woke up. Is it really worth it?

2011-05-24T05:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I didn't feel it but today, man, it hurts.

That was a year well spent.

2011-04-21T11:29:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgORGvC1dTg&feature=fvwrel

2011-04-10T14:00:00.001-07:00

"We act like if we just get through today, tomorrow our dreams will come back to us."

http://xkcd.com/137/

2011-04-04T05:58:00.000-07:00

What would you tell me
if I told you I lived in a tilted world.

2011-03-12T06:44:00.001-08:00

Make it through
Don’t ever stop being who you are
Because your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you will ever have in your life.

Also, imagine this:
our universe IS expanding. We can see it through the greater redshift of further away galaxies, etc. It's not expanding around anything-you can imagine the universe as a sheet of rubber being stretched in all directions. Doesn't this mean the space around us is expanding too? Everything everywhere is expanding?

This obviously has an effect in the scale of the universe, but will it have any effect on a smaller scale? Would we even be able to tell if everything was expanding, including matter? What if this were true? Would we see a redshift in light?

I plan to tackle this at some point in my college career.

2011-02-05T13:55:00.001-08:00

for a minute, you could see right through me. I'll never let that happen again.

Everyone that reads this should listen to Cloud Cult.

2011-01-29T20:59:00.000-08:00

I love life and I love everyone more than they will ever know.

Why hate when you can love?

Is it even possible to love everyone in this world? Love is not a feeling you have toward someone but rather a commitment. I wish I could say I were committed to the entire world.

2011-01-05T06:55:00.000-08:00

What if I said our explanation of our world makes sense. But it only makes sense in our minds, where we can break the world up into discrete pieces that interact with each other. Experimental physics can agree with theoretical physics in some situations, such as relatively simple, coherent systems under times that are much less than infinite and initial conditions that have finite, distinct variations.

However, the universe is not this easy. Here, we are dealing with systems which have an infinite amount of initial conditions and very large times. One small difference in initial conditions permanently alters the slope of our future line; one small difference in our starting conditions changes the outcome completely. Physics requires us to be able to measure initial conditions accurately in order to obtain an accurate result. Physics as we know it is impossible to use in a chaotic system-impossible to use in the universe we live in.

2010-12-26T21:20:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you just have to let go.

I wish I could understand every single aspect of my life, including the ones I have never lived without.

I wish I could describe perfectly who I am and what I want to be and understand where I am going.

I wish we could look into matter infinitely so and prove that our fate is set.

I wish I could understand what religion's motives are. I can't understand God's will by listening to my pastor. That's my pastor's interpretation of God's will. I can only understand god through prayer. And how do I know that what I am "understanding" is not really my own thoughts reflecting back into my consciousness?

I wish I could talk with even the most hostile and allow us to share views peacefully.

I wish I knew if time exists everywhere. If time exists forever, then our lifetime is an infinitely small flash. With the same argument, if you step out of time, you will exist for all eternity. In a similar way, if space exists forever, then, compared to the whole, any amount of matter that we can think of is infinitely-impossibly small.

To search for any meaning here would mean answering some of these questions.

Any ideas?

2010-12-11T09:59:00.000-08:00

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain

I love this world more than I could ever explain.

2010-10-11T18:05:00.000-07:00

What is missing someone? What is distance? It is space between you and me, but when we’re sitting next to each other, there is space, too. Communication, touching, feeling may decrease this space, but our souls are always separate. I just see it as more space when I’m alone on a mountain top on the other side of the world. I breathe, and I know you’re breathing through 12,000 miles (or more) of molten rock. I am just as connected with all my family and all my friends, and the entire world. Space separates us now, but space always separates us, sometimes more than others. Maybe love is just missing someone who is sitting next to you? Maybe love is longing to be reunited with the person sitting next to you?

I reached the top of a mountain the other day. It was snowy, and I was alone, but I thought of this. I’m thousands of miles away from anyone I may know, but I continue longing for life to reunite me with all whom I love.

2010-09-26T22:57:00.000-07:00

What is gone is not lost. All the world is simply what we see and think. What's so important? What's the difference between memories created and memories remembered? The silhouette of you will always echo through my mind and my dreams. This way, you will always live on in my life. You may be gone, but you are not lost.

The first sentence is from a short story by a Kiwi, but the rest was my thinking when I was trapped in a 10x10 room for 36 hours by the weather. (literally...I could not go outside)

2010-07-13T18:34:00.000-07:00

The sun never sleeps in.

Who am I to live my life the way I've been living.

I need to slow down and make less friends.

2010-06-30T19:10:00.000-07:00

I don't think you know
what I think.
Maine, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Michigan, Illinois, Wisconsin, Minnesota, South Dakota, Montana, Idaho, and Washington. That's what separates me from you. 3,173 miles.

But with that distance, I realize how much I want someone to know me. Is it you? Is that you? Or is my mind creating this person? I wish I knew.

The warmth of summer is so nice.

2010-05-23T16:58:00.000-07:00

"I do not care what car you drive. Where you live. If you know someone who knows someone who knows someone. If your clothes are this year’s cutting edge. If your trust fund is unlimited. If you are A-list B-list or never heard of you list. I only care about the words that flutter from your mind. They are the only thing you truly own. The only thing I will remember you by. I will not fall in love with your bones and skin. I will not fall in love with the places you have been. I will not fall in love with anything but the words that flutter from your extraordinary mind."

2010-04-23T20:42:00.000-07:00

“we became inseparable, in fact, my life was completely consumed by his and he never thought to ask me whether I had my own destiny to follow, it was quite clear that I had to follow his”

If you don't say what you mean, and you don't think what you say, do you say what you think?

2010-04-12T19:58:00.000-07:00

so many people leaning on me
I am trying to keep my balance
but if I fall, the whole world goes with me.

Knowing the events of 4.10.10, there I thought this was a very, very possible situation. Somehow I managed to stay on my feet. Why have 4 frustrated people and 2 happy people when you can have 6 happy people? Life is frustrating. Especially because people cannot control their feelings.

My one advice to my friend "keep moving". You stop, and you will find yourself more frustrated. You keep moving, and you will find a new place. Move, even if you have nowhere to go. It's like saying "I don't know what I want to do for a career, so I won't go to college yet". You start out aimless-everyone does. Then you find your path.

But this is why I want to go to New Zealand. I want to find my path. I want to know what I want. I want to understand myself so that my wandering has purpose and is not wandering defined by who I am with. But does this understanding have any meaning if I am constantly surrounded by people? Maybe it is pointless understanding yourself outside of the context of your friends and society because you will always be surrounded by them. Or at least the latter.

I suppose I lean on my friends, too. And they help keep me upright.

2010-04-06T21:16:00.000-07:00

Am I supposed to understand my feelings or just ride them like a wave?

What is the difference between memories and our current location? The present becomes memory so quickly, it is hard to understand. We live in the past. By the time our senses convey their messages to our brain, we will be seeing what already happened. The present has no real existence in our mind-only. Memories and consciousness are the mind's interpretation of the present.

I love how I try writing poetry, but something has changed since I used to be able to be eloquent through poetry. Every time I start a poem, I'm too wordy, trying to analyze and explain everything. Poetry isn't an art describing our world-it is an art of stimulation feelings and emotions. I need to understand that. I think I try to get deeper things out of poetry than really exist.

2010-04-02T23:51:00.000-07:00

Life is so intensely complicated right now. Why does love have to take up so much of my waking thought when it is not something that is really physically active in this world. Love is but a distractor, forcing us to live in our heads and not in this world. But, do we really live in this world, or do we really live in our heads? At least, love is making us turn our heads away from the projection of our senses into our conscious.

Would the world exist if we didn't exist? This isn't my normal question wondering about our own existence. It is more of a question of what is the world, if it does in fact exist. It is a vast expanse of location and probability, which are translated by our senses. If our senses didn't exist, would the world only be mathematical theory or would it still "exist" in the generally accepted sense of existence?

2010-03-25T20:53:00.000-07:00

Arrrrghghgh....my life is so sinusoidal right now. Why do I always get myself into these situations?

2010-03-07T16:36:00.001-08:00

I just talked to a stranger who was lost but couldn't tell me where he wanted to go. It is fine if he knows where he's going and can't communicate, but an entirely different situation if he's lost.

White knuckle softly

2010-03-02T22:49:00.000-08:00

Why do I obsess over things that don't matter in any way? Life is frustrating me in so many different ways right now. I spend so much time trying to figure out how to handle a situation that by the time I end up trying to handle it, it's already gone.

I wish, just for once, I could be mellow and likeable and normal. I wish my ideas could be conveyed without me saying one word. I wish people could just understand and I didn't have to overthink every action that I make.

Why?

2010-02-18T14:54:00.001-08:00

Who am I?

Six months from now, I will begin a great journey to find myself. I want to see who I am out of the context of society, out of the context of civilization, out of the context of my comfortable acquaintances. I want to find out who I really am.

I will immerse myself in a new environment, without knowing anybody. My plan is not to get to meet people; this is exactly the opposite of what I want to do. My plan is to view society without being part of it.

I think in this society, we form ourselves too much by the people around us. Heck, we get married before we understand who we, truly, really are. I want to switch this order. I will discover myself, and who I am, and what my goals in life really should be through this journey. I may not be able to attain these goals, but at least I have a target to aim for.

So the question remains; who am I? Right now, I am, outwardly, who you want me to be, but I don't want to be that person any more. I want to be who I am, or at least understand who I am.

fighting

2010-02-02T17:11:00.000-08:00

"I want to change their minds, not kill them for weaknesses we all posses"

Why do we fight? As Ghandi said, or at least as Ghandi believed (the above quote is from the movie-I don't know if it's actually a quote of his), there is no need for fighting if we can be all on the same page. Yes, I do get taken advantage of many times because of my willingness to do things, and even when I know it, I still do it. One must not fight the unjust doers, but rather make their injustices public. In this way, the victim can never be guilty (as he/she has not fought back in the traditional way). Instead, the perpetrator may be shunned or looked down on by society. Humans are very social and being rejected by others is a strong incentive to stop what you are doing in order to become accepted once again. If the perpetrator only fights with the victim, they only have the victim's acceptance to lose. Instead, if their injustices are made public, they have the world's acceptance to lose.

I believe there is never any valid reason to fight. Fighting is just an immediate human reaction to anger, which is very destructive and polarizing. Fight with silence and with the acceptance of the world, and you have so much leverage.

Prison

2010-01-25T18:54:00.000-08:00

I was having a conversation with my friend the other day about prison and punishment in general by the government.

At the beginning of the conversation, my point of view was that no one should be locked up. Why lock people up? It promotes hatred, not love. Yes, these people did something wrong, but our reaction shouldn't be to get back at them by locking them up. What we really need to do is find some way to reform them.

Psychologically, sending someone to prison is not an efficient way to teach them wrong from right. You send them to prison for something wrong they originally did, and they spend years not contemplating that thing, but rather being angry and living their life trying to forget that thing they did. It doesn't matter where they are, whether they are locked up or whether they are even taken out of society. What should happen is they should be constantly reminded of what they did. They committed a crime because they did not fully understand the consequences of that crime on others. We need to show them how this is wrong and what they really did. For example, someone who brutally murdered someone. Sending this person to prison will do nothing to them. What we need to do is to make their mind a prison. We need to put their actions into perspective. We should show the perpetrator how they have affected the victim's family and friends. We should show the perpetrator how they have taken a life away from this world, just as if their own family were to die. We need to show this criminal what they did to the world, and their treatment is only done once they understand fully and feel the guilt they should. This guilt is worse than any prison sentence that can be given to them. Living with the full guilt of killing someone will change them. Not only would they never do it again, but they will live day to day with this guilt heavy on their minds.

Putting someone in prison is very...human. We need to go beyond our basic human instincts of punishing someone physically for a crime. Yes, if one of my friends or family members were murdered, I would want to find that person and kill them myself, but this is but a human instinct. This is anger-driven. Too many things in this world are anger-driven. We need to stop and think and realize that what is in the past has already happened. We need to realize that the worst we can do to this person is to make them feel how we feel.

2009-12-30T20:09:00.000-08:00

I need to figure out who I am before I expect others to understand who I am. Do I have to be someone?

2009-12-11T11:26:00.001-08:00

"We can't build our happiness on top of someone else's sadness"

2009-12-08T20:00:00.000-08:00

I've been writing like crazy about Thursday's events. This is a paragraph from my many pages of thoughts that I have on my computer.

"I need to redefine who you are in my mind. I need to convince myself that you are my friend, not my lover. I need to drown out the memories of you and me together with new memories. Either that, or I cut my connection with you and try not to think of you ever again. But this is the easiest way out. I want to be friends with you, and I think you would want that, too. And the hardest thing is, I have no memories of you as a friend. I need to either make new memories or change the ones I already have.

So I will try my hardest to redefine you. I will dilute my poignant, poisonous memories of my lover with that of my friend, and hopefully this poison will not be enough to kill me."

Ah, la vida. Slowly but surely getting used to it. Finals week coming up. So excited.

2009-12-03T17:56:00.001-08:00

I love(d) her so much it is hard to fathom. She just didn't love me back. But I knew this was inevitable. It still hasn't sunk in yet. Just a nagging headache and the inability to focus on anything.

I will be crying in an hour, and won't stop until I find someone new. I guarantee it.

2009-11-09T19:28:00.000-08:00

My friend: “It’s not your fault Mike, you know”

No, it's not, it's 53 percent of Maine's voters' fault. I'm so so angry even though I know it's not my fault. I've begin to wonder why, in fact, I should be this angry when it really doesn't directly affect me (I mean, it does hit close to home because I have two mothers, but they're already married and set in Massachusetts). I feel like, for me, it's not as much the idea that same-sex couples need more rights, but more the idea that people would be so ignorant to hate when they can love. In my mind, the root of almost all the conflicts in this world is due to blind hatred. No matter how people phrase it, if they are against equality (and against same-sex marriage), they are hating people solely because they are different. Why not love people and understand their differences?

My ideas are rooted in the fact that if we want to survive in this world, we must eventually become intertwined in love. If we hate one another, how can we make each other happy? How can we make this world better? Hatred only breeds hatred. Love, no matter what type, breeds happiness.

It is my fault, however, for not knocking on people's doors and explaining to them why a yes on 1 vote would directly hurt these people when it has no effect on them. In my mind, if they don't like it, GET USED TO IT. If they're uncomfortable with what's going on, well they better ask themselves why they are. And hopefully they will soon realize that they are solely acting on human nature and how they were brought up that different is bad. "I don't like gays....I'm a Christian". Well, then, why in fact does your being a christian mean that you don't like gays "because....my pastor told me so…because the bible told me so…because religion told me so". Well then, LISTEN TO YOURSELF FOR ONCE. Can you not figure out what's right and wrong for yourself, or do you have to have a fucking religious leader tell you so? People are so blind and ignorant of their blindness. People should have the right to act how they want without other people's bigoted opinions getting in their way, and the state should recognize that.

Screw it. I'm quitting Bates, going to a seminary school, starting my own New Christian Church and marrying EVERYONE. Or, how about this-we make our own fucking country.

“God Hates Fags”

Well, to start with, I would like to say fuck your thinking (I would say fuck you but you are but a person who has these ideas). What gives you the power to say that God hates fags? So, you may refer me to the bible (which I have other problems with, but this is not the issue). So, you refer me to one of those passages that somehow ambiguously mentions homosexuality in a negative connotation. Based on this passage, (in my mind, you can’t even say that this passage says anything conclusive) homosexuality could be considered a SIN. Why would god hate a PERSON??? Think about your contradicting ideas before you make a sign full of hatred. Just another piece of evidence supporting the ignorance of some people.

My gay friend:

“I don't think the solution is going to come easily any more. There are too many things wrong with this country for complacency. We need to get angry, and we need to tell people that they're wrong. We need to offend people's sensibilities, and make them feel as threatened as I do when someone calls me a fag.”

But that is the opposite of what we want to do, isn’t it? We want to stop the hate. We want to explain calmly to them what is wrong. But, what if we did get angry? What if we did offend people’s sensibilities? They can’t throw any hatred back at us because if they do any more than they are already doing, then they will in fact be blatantly homophobic, which is regarded as unacceptable in the eyes of most people. So maybe we should make people move by making them angry? But this anger will not improve the world.

Also, another conversation that I had with a random person after I posted something on a facebook group’s wall. His sincerity and politeness just showed that you can have hateful people and loving people and you can have homophobic people and accepting people and there is no connection between the two. I made up a name, just in case he somehow found this.

Toby: read I Corinthians 6:9

Me: "Everyone likes to talk about I Corinthians 6:9. Now if we go back to the Vulgate (Latin Bible from around the year 300) we can see what it means. The key words here are "Masculorum concubitores" this means "The bedfellows of men" its talking about prostitutes, but because of ambiguity it might be talking about those who buy them. Whats more interesting is that the male form (as with other langueges) carries the female form too. So the verse is condemning MALE/FEMALE PROSTITUTES and also the MEN/WOMEN who buy them. If someone reads you the verse and it says "Homosexual" or "effeminite" just tell them their bible has been perverted over time and they should learn more about the bible. Personally, I own a copy of the Vulgate and I laugh at christians who say they know the bible. (I went to a baptist school for a little too long.... they created a monster)" -Brian Stevens

It seems to me that the bible teaches people to have respect for others.
Even if Corinthians 6:9 was supposed to mean what some think it says, do you think then that the hundreds of other times respecting others and treating others like you would treat yourself are mentioned should be overturned just because of that one statement? I guess that is what I really meant at the rally.
I would like to hear what you think about this, and the last thing I would want to do is block out an unheard argument...

Toby: There have been countless of very smart scholars that have translated the Bible to what it is now. I have never heard of the Vulgate and so I dont know of its credibility(theres alot of "books" out there that are "supposedly" inspired by God) All i know is that as a christian i believe everything that the Bible says, word for word. If the Bible says homosexuals, then it means homosexuals. If it meant something else, the scholars over the centuries would have translated it into something else. God created Adam and Eve, man and women. Do you know that humans are the only species that have intercourse looking at each other? I think its for a reason. God made us different than the animals and any other kind of species. This is why homosexuality is so inhuman, it perverts and twists that which God intended to be between a man and women, face to face, not like the animals do.

Me: I understand where you are coming from, but what if those scholars who have translated the bible from god's words have a prejudice towards or against certain people. The bible has been passed through so many hands, how can we fully understand whether or not those who made it knew what god was trying to say?

Also, There are many, many details in the bible, which can be seen and interpreted in many, many ways. Whether we actually notice ourselves doing it or not, we are listening to some parts of the bible more than others. For some, the bible is an excuse to personal prejudices. You can believe what you want, but I just encourage you to try to understand the difference between when you are saying something which is driven by your personal opinion and when you are truly and fully convinced by the text of the bible and nothing outside of it.

My question is, in a world where no bible exists, and there is nobody telling you what to believe, would you still say the same that homosexuality is bad?

Also, I disagree with your comment about humans being the only species which face each other. Why is it that everyone always focuses on this instead of the relationship between two people. I mean, sexual pleasure is most definitely not the most important part of relationships.

Despite what I say, you have any and all right to express your opinion on this subject, as do I. I just please ask you, don't use the bible as a scapegoat to hide your personal opinions.

Toby: Well the men who translated the Bible did not write it in their own words. The Bible is inspired by God. Godtold the men what to write. So if you think there is prejudice in the Bible then you can have that talk with God someday.

I have no personal opinon on homosexality. The Bible is my opinion. Whatever the bible says i believe that is what being a christian is. As a christian I believe every single word in that book so if it says that, "homosexuals will not enter the kingdom of heaven," then homosexuals will not go to heaven, simply put. There is no way around it. If you call yourself a christian then you must believe everything the bible says. THAT IS WHAT YOUR FAITH AND BELIEF IS BASED UPON! You cannot take a shortcut. The bible warns against those who add to the Bible. "I testify to everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book: if anyone adds to them, God shall add to him the plagues which are written in this book."(Revelation 22:18).

To answer your question what if there is a world with no bible. Why would i want to imagine that! The Bible is my life. I have been lost and now found, blind and now see. To say such a thing is foolish and just absurd.

Homosexuality is a sin like every other sin. A homosexual can become a christian but that person must stop being a homosexual. A christian puts off the old man and puts on the new. Now that doesnt mean that christians dont sin. Quite the contrary. When christians do sin, we repent of it and dont do the same sin over and over. So when a homosexual calls himself a christian, he is a pure heretic and will go to hell!

All Im trying to say is that if you call yourself a christian, then you really need to examine yourself and ask yourself if you truly are God's child. Cuz what you are saying is pure heresy. I know it sounds mean but how can you not believe in the Bible when it is right infront of you and say you believe in God who you cannot see?

Ever wonder why the Song of Solomon is in the Bible? The Song of Solomon shows the holy sacrament of marriage between a man and a woman. And believe me there is sexual talk in that book. But it was put there for a reason. To show the holy union between a man and a woman.

I hope i didnt affend you in anyway. But saying the things you are saying and calling yourself a christian is something i take serious offense to and needs to be pointed out. Theres alot of people who say that they are christians and walk a wicked and perverted life. Lets hope and pray that that is not your life.

The bible is a novel. Religion is an idea. And some people in this world have their heads in the clouds. Have your own faith. I have faith in love and happiness. Even the bible says that god's love is everlasting. I believe love for one another is what will bring us together. Love and recognition will save us from ourselves.

2009-10-31T13:53:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks have been something else. I wish I had words to explain how happy I am yet how concerned I am. Every time I get happier, I know I am climbing a mountain which I will eventually tumble down. But it doesn't really matter =). I love her, yet I have no idea what love is.

I feel torn now. I just the importance of friends, then this happens. Things would be so much easier if she was in my friend group. No matter who I am with, I feel bad I'm not with either her/my friends. But there is just nothing I can see that I don't like about her.

Why is this the only thing that's on my mind? I need to get this off my mind.

Why can people argue for yes on 1? It angers me so. Why would people not want to allow others the same freedom they have? I just want to talk to them. EVERY SINGLE PART of their argument has a flaw. It just makes me so angry. "There are so many larger issues here, we shouldn't be arguing about same-sex marriage" is what they said when same-sex marriage was being legalized, then SHABAM, what would you know, but those same people turn around and use OUR money and OUR time to reverse what is ALREADY LEGALIZED. They just contradicted themselves, not to mention that no matter how they try to hide it, their argument is based on homophobia. They don't want same-sex marriage to pass just because of how they were taught to think.

Why does homophobia even exist? People are different, and that's wonderful, not something to be scared of. People must be insecure about themselves if they are so scared that people are different than them. I guess it is human nature to be compatible with others, and if we aren't we feel uncomfortable, but seriously, what does it matter? Human nature is but a vestige of what helped us a long, long time ago. Heck, evolution for humans is a vestige of the days when we actually would be hindered in reproducing if something were wrong with us. I mean, evolution isn't something that's really hindering us in society today, but human nature is a different story. We would be better off without it.

Ok, time to go Halloweening.

2009-09-18T22:10:00.001-07:00

What I want to do more than anything right now is

A) Talk to Caylin
B) Apologize to her
C) Cry

2009-07-23T20:46:00.000-07:00

I am searching for something I have never seen. I don't know what love is, but I feel love, or at least a connection, towards the entire world.

The other day, I sat down and tried to understand what it was I was longing so much for my first year of college. Love-but what is love? Going on a formal date with someone you're physically attracted to or spending the night talking with your friends? I can tell you right now, I am more attracted to my friends right now than I have been to anyone else. But I'm not attracted to them in any sexual way. I love them. Being around them makes me happier than anything. Screw the awkwardness and difficulty of exploring romantic relationships and dating. I want to explore my friendships. The love that I have found through friends is relentless.

I liked the idea of love more than love itself, and now I'm beginning to realize that the idea of romantic love has little to no meaning in my life.

Love?

2009-05-01T20:19:00.001-07:00

water water everywhere, but not a drop to drink.

2009-04-12T19:48:00.000-07:00

It will be an eternal wait

for this girl I would like to call Clementine.

The Whole World is Asleep

2009-04-04T08:41:00.000-07:00

I’m awake wandering the bodies
No, wandering the streets
Empty streets, smiling manikins, frozen people
I have the world to myself
I am alone

I have one comrade
Always by my side
He will agree with what I think, most of the time
But sometimes I hear him getting angry inside of me
I try to calm him
Most of the time I can

Sometimes I can’t
He rages out, controlling my body
Punching walls, having no respect for the empty casket he inhabits
He is angry, but has no words to tell me why
If only I could learn where this fire comes from

But for now, I must just suppress him
Whenever I feel him trying to control me
I must bolt the door which he is hidden behind

And continue on alone.

2009-03-28T15:35:00.001-07:00

Gala tonight.

I hate organized formal dances. With a passion.

2009-03-21T10:26:00.001-07:00

If you want something in life, reach out and grab it.

2009-03-20T22:17:00.000-07:00

I can hear the song in my head. Not for anybody yet, but for everybody. Someone who I probably don't know yet.

It is a wonderful song. It doesn't have lyrics yet, but those are to be added later, to fill in the gaps. I made a love song without lyrics.

Yet, whenever I try to play it, I can't. I can get the tune, just barely. But it doesn't sound the same as it does in my head. It sounds off-key and dull. I can't even find the chords for it yet. It is almost like the song in my head is an emotional reaction to the song rather than the song itself.

I've written a lot of songs before, but somehow, I can't get this one out of my head.

2009-03-18T16:45:00.000-07:00

"Do one thing every day that scares you"

I think I've fulfilled that "thing" for this week.

So freaking excited.

2009-03-11T18:36:00.001-07:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chaos_theory

Ergo, we have a destiny.

2009-03-04T14:23:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder.

Wonder where I am and wonder where I'm going.

It seems now that I am lost without hope. I am in the worst position because everyone thinks I know my way, but I really don't. I am just lost.

I love my friends and love everyone. I just feel frustrated for some reason.

But other than that, I love life.

I did some research on zero-mass objects with zero velocity. The only way objects can have zero mass is if they are moving at C, but I also played around with the equation and showed that the equation does not disprove the existence of massless particles with zero velocity. Although, how would we detect a particle if it has zero mass and zero energy? It is basically...nothing. But then again, how does gravity work? Would these particles have a gravitational field? Maybe. Possibly.

I am madly obsessed with my friend. (I typed in love, but then realized that I don't really know what it is).

Life is awesome.

la Maison en Petits Cubes

2009-02-27T11:49:00.000-08:00

This is a really, really nice short film.

La Maison en Petits Cubes - Kunio Kato

2009-02-23T20:01:00.000-08:00

We can tell the weather, right? It's all about making estimates about where parcels of air will be and how they collide. But there is a lot of uncertainty about it. What if we could examine each tiny particle in the air and know how that particle is going to react with every other particle? If we can look infinitely close, we can then in turn make an infinitely perfect prediction of the weather.

We are all made of particles, though. Our whole universe is made of particles.

Now I am more confident in answering the question "do we have a destiny?". Why, yes we do. If we look infinitely close at every particle in our body and know perfectly well how those particles react with everything else in the world, then we will know everything in our future.

We might never be able to look this close, but at least we know we can. We know we have a set future even if we don't know what that future will be.

2009-02-05T06:04:00.001-08:00

O, unrequited love.

2009-01-29T23:50:00.000-08:00

I feel like I only get girls' attention because I'm nice (or at least try to be). I wonder if anyone has actually ever been truly attracted to me. Life's frustrating sometimes.

"You need to be more of an asshole.", as Caylin says. I'm dying to have someone who doesn't like me as a friend.

2009-01-28T21:38:00.000-08:00

"Hate the personality, not the person"

I'm beginning to doubt my intelligence in choosing mostly girls to become friends with. They all have boy problems. Then I am dragged into their world of frustration against males. Then I become depressed.

Why?

2009-01-26T18:06:00.001-08:00

First of all, shout out to my friend with an absolutely amazing voice and crazy talent, Hannah Buckley. http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=125924834

I would recommend listening to "Blueberry Stains"

And I thought I had something to write here. I'm so, so happy. I realized this weekend that I CAN'T do everything and still keep up with my homework while getting an acceptable amount of sleep. My sleep has been all messed up lately. I kinda want to do that cool thing where you sleep for 20 minutes every 2 hours. That's basically where I'm heading.

Time to go through some sample data and be cool with excel.

I'm so, so cool.

2009-01-21T11:49:00.000-08:00

So, what's new with my life lately?

I have this week planned out to perfection. Unfortunately not including work. My Friday is going to be epic, with the torch run (10 miles of tough stuff), puddle jump (cutting a hole into Bates' own Lake Andrews and jumping in), then bonfire, then laser tag. Oh, and big air comp tonight on Mount David and Tele lessons tomorrow. I <3 tele skiing. Except I did try the other day and kinda failed miserably since I was just imitating what I've seen other people do without any lessons. I went to a 10:30 A Capella concert last night, got out at 11:45 then worked from then till 3 AM, then woke up for my 8 AM then have been moving ever since.

This week is crazy. I like, I like.

I also love all my friends way too much.

2009-01-19T11:59:00.001-08:00

So somehow when I posted last, I ended up not only losing that post but also like the previous 6 months of posts. Oh well. Tis sad.

I will update sometime but I am wicked busy right now. Later, though.

2008-10-26T10:58:00.000-07:00

I am at the edge of something big. Camping in Acadia was fun this weekend.

2008-10-09T14:08:00.000-07:00

The last post isn't correct because what if you had two small objects expanding rapidly? They would exert the same force which the massive earth exerts on you, so the gravity of any piece of mass would be the same. That's why that cannot be correct.

An idea about gravity that isn't correct but is still cool

2008-10-05T13:20:00.000-07:00

So, our universe is expanding very quickly. Expanding not in the sense that more matter is being created and adding to the edges of the universe, but rather our universe is stretching like a piece of rubber being stretched in all directions. So, as this rubber is being stretched, each planet gets further and further away from each other planet and the distance between any two points in our galaxy (or universe) is getting larger.

Now, to slightly switch topics, when Einstein came up with the idea that gravity is the curvature of spacetime, his wonderful idea sprouted from the idea that, if a car is constantly accelerating, then the person inside it will feel a constant force from the back of the chair. This force, if the acceleration is 9.8 m/s^2, then would be the same as gravity and, in the absence of earth's gravity, would feel exactly like gravity.

So now, back to the first paragraph, if our universe is constantly expanding, then doesn't that mean that the mass in our universe is expanding, too? We would not be able to measure this- one might say that the density of an object would constantly be going down, but if it is in fact the atoms themselves that are getting larger and larger, we could not measure this and, since we would be growing at the same rate as everything around us, we would seem to be not growing at all. But let's say that the matter below us is growing very, very quickly and we ourselves are growing very, very quickly, then there would be a force exerted by the ground on us, resembling gravity.

No, wait, the expansion of mass has to be accelerating to begin with, just like the accelerating car (we wouldn't feel a force if it was just constantly expanding). http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Accelerating_universe

Wow, I swear I didn't read that before I made that last statement.

But, yeah. Probably wrong. Fun to think about, though.

2008-10-04T15:51:00.001-07:00

"I have seen the others and I have discovered that this fight is not worth fighting
And I've have seen their mothers and I will no other to follow me where I'm going

So, take your shower, shine your shoes
You got no time to lose
You are young men you must be living
Take your shower, shine your shoes
Well, you got no time to lose
You are young men you must be living
Go now you are forgiven"

Why is this such a good song? Because people are avoiding human nature?

On another note, I love school, pretty much.

2008-10-01T19:44:00.000-07:00

What's life if you're not searching for your limits?

random...I need to start my 11 page paper

2008-09-29T16:58:00.000-07:00

No words can explain how content I am with everything right now.

Now, this will sound awkward, but I had a dream last night that something happened, my mom got a phone call, and she was freaking out saying that "this could be bigger than 9/11"...that's what stuck in my mind, the bigger than 9/11 thing (even though I didn't know what had happened). Then, in my dream, I went on cnn.com (lolz, I am a loser and check their homepage constantly) and there was like something saying that like 300 some people were dead from some virus that spread from 1 to 300 in like hours.

But, yeah, so much for the nightmare, but then today I did an eerily similar thing by going onto cnn.com just to make sure everything was chill and I saw that the freakin United States Economy is royally screwed. They're comparing it to the Great Depression. Couldn't help but compare the bill not passing to 9/11. In the end, I think the former will have a greater, more lasting impact on us.

2008-09-28T16:10:00.001-07:00

Ah, the drama. Tis not good, not good at all. Although it is more other people being stupid and dramatic and me just watching them and telling them to stop saying mean things about their friends. And by telling them, I mean thinking.

Time to go hang with some amazingly cool kids (that aren't being dramatic)

PAHTY TIME

2008-09-27T08:34:00.001-07:00

Girl Talk tonight. SO excited.

2008-09-16T10:05:00.000-07:00

Woops, so apparently spontenuity is NOT good. Well, not bad, but more embarrassing for me.

2008-09-15T10:03:00.000-07:00

I did something amazing and awesome and, best of all, SPONTANEOUS last nigbt.

I love the 80's dance. And I love my sober friends. And the drunk ones, too.

2008-09-12T21:47:00.000-07:00

what I just sent to my physics professor (Warning; it has to do with sound waves and...science.)

"The goal of this is to find out the wavelength of one sound-wave with a fairly high accuracy by using a combination of a wave of a known wavelength and the unknown wave. From my experience, sound waves which are very close to each other in frequency and which are sounding at the same time end up creating a third pulsating noise. This pulsating noise is due to the additive property of the waves (when waves “sync up” with each other, they add to each other and increase in amplitude). Using the time of the period of the addition of the unknown wave and the known wave, one can find the wavelength of the unknown wave to some accuracy.

Vs=Speed of sound
λ1= Wavelength of the known wave
λ2= Wavelength of the unknown wave
t1+2= Period of combination of λ1 and λ2
W1= Known wave
W2= Unknown wave

First, find how many cycles of W1 happen in t1+2
(Vs)(t1+2)/( λ1)=Cycles of W1 per period of t1+2
Now, we know that (if W2 is slightly smaller thanW1) the unknown wave will be x meters smaller than the known wave. Therefore, we know that (x)(the number of cycles in wave W1 over t1+2)=(wavelength of the known wave). Therefore, (Wavelength of the known wave)/(number of cycles in wave W1 over t1+2)=x
(λ1)/[((Vs)(t1+2))/ (λ1)]
Which is equivalent to
λ12/[(Vs)(t1+2)]

This gives us the “x”, the difference between the λ of the known wave and the unknown wave. Both waves will interact the same if they are x meters larger or x meters smaller than the known wave.

(λ2) ±(λ12)/[(Vs)(t1+2)] "

So I am a loser...

2008-09-07T19:48:00.000-07:00

College is amazing. Here are the things I will do this year:

Join the Ultimate team (done)
Hike the tallest mountain in Maine (done)
Hike the tallest mountain in Maine in the winter
Go on a back-country ski trip
learn how to telemark
Do the puddle jump (jump into a hole in a frozen pond)
win a ski race
join the downhill ski racing club (this one should go before win a ski race)
find someone who will talk to me more than I talk to them
Get an "A" in a hard class
Have more than 2 beers. (Maybe not?)
go skydiving (a longshot-although there is a skydiving club)
sled with my friends
Travel with the ski club
Join Outdoor Track
Join a sports team that I have never played on before
pull an all-nighter (not that I want to...)
HAVE FUN
and....a lot more

So, basically, although I may miss High School, college is cool. A lot of work, but cool.

BATES COLLEGE
NO PARENTS

Three Days

2008-08-22T19:27:00.000-07:00

I'm so sad to be leaving what I am leaving, yet I am so happy to be going where I am going. In three days, I will be in the wilderness of Maine. In three days, it all starts over. In three days, it all begins.

physics stuff

2008-07-08T20:31:00.001-07:00

So, let's say it is possible to go the speed of light in a spaceship. And one of the laws of physics states that as you speed up toward the speed of light, time time slows down and is eventually zero when you actually get to the speed of light. So let's say we are in a space ship traveling from point A to point B. If no time elapses when the ship travels from A to B, then surely the space ship must be going infinitely fast.

Hmmm...but not really. Time does elapse outside of the space ship but it does not inside of it. So we will see the ship travel from A to B, but the ship itself (from its point of view) wouldn't be traveling from point A to B but instead "jumping" between the locations-without having any time elapse in between. In this way, (although laws of physics also state that you cannot get up to the speed of light) a rocket could travel from earth to another far, far away planet and the person inside of it would not even believe they went anywhere. The only problem is how would you stop the space craft? It is going at the speed of light so even if you set a timer to slow the rocket down in .nth of a second, that tiny amount of time would be infinite if time slowed down to a halt. The only way to stop it would be with some external force, I guess. Although accelerating to the speed of light without killing somebody with the force of acceleration would be a pretty difficult feat in itself.

I've spent an amazing amount of time biking and thinking and doing nothing. I wish people would include me more often. Maybe I need to include myself more often.

2008-06-11T09:54:00.000-07:00

So I am in Spain. It is very cool and very hot and very...very interesting. Don´t know what else to say other than the fact that my parents dropped me off at this sketchy internet cafe thing and I am surrounded by people I should be able to understand (hence the 6 or so years of learning the language) but somehow I can´t. I am off to France in about a week or so and then off to Italy then Switzerland then I don´t even know where till July 2nd. It will be fun, but I miss so many people back at home like crazy. Like CRAZY. It is kinda like the whole point of going on trips is to look at cool new things, but I have just discovered some very cool new friendships back at home which I must leave for a month. Ok, so I have about....3 seconds left in my 15 minutes on this computer...

The Horizon Effect

2008-05-25T09:53:00.000-07:00

Imagine a beach ball full of air. The air is trapped inside the beach ball and slightly pressurized. Is the beach ball is forming a sphere around the air inside it, separating that air from the rest of the universe, or is the beach ball wrapped around the rest of the universe, separating that from the air inside it?

d-d-do you remember

2008-05-16T20:39:00.000-07:00

I will list off things that come to my mind

The Garden State soundtrack is very high quality

I miss the ski team

I miss cross country

I don't remember if I ever posted this picture
I don't remember ever taking that picture

Why do I have such bad luck?

Comatose

2008-05-04T18:25:00.000-07:00

So I am obsessed with this song "Comatose" by Timmy Curran. It is like...woah, this has to do with so much stuff right now. Especially the whole going off to college thing. And like the whole global warming thing. Gotta "wake up soon."

If we don't wake up soon.
All we ever knew will be gone.

It's finally getting to be like summer again

2008-04-22T12:46:00.000-07:00

So I may not get a varsity letter. So I may not improve like crazy. But like, I am so happy that I am improving at all. Sports are meant to make you happy, and obsessing about getting a varsity letter isn't really that much fun.

And basically, I miss some people on the ski team like a bunch. I want so much to have a group of people in my life like that right now. Luckily I have some people on the track team. Too bad the track team can't be co-ed like the ski team.

In conclusion, I love warm weather and CANNOT wait for summer. Well, actually maybe I can. I love the feeling of having something (and basically everything) to look forward to.

Finally.

2008-04-12T20:20:00.000-07:00

And then there were two.

Bates and (I wanna say SLU just to rhyme, but that's the one I just took off my list) UVM. I'll know which one by next week. I'll know where I'm going to be for the next four (hopefully) years of my life in the next week.

Good times with my sister over the weekend. Dartmouth is a sweet school.
"Yeah, and he was basically just freaking out about life"
"I've never met any teenager who hasn't freaked out about life"

In other news, the track team is amazing. And so is Newton Faulkner, and so are the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and staying up late, and thunderstorms, and rain, and the spring, and school, and life. Just basically life is amazing.

2008-03-31T19:34:00.000-07:00

Can anyone hear me?

Life is way too stressful right now.

And, wow, listening to the song "Waiting for my Real Life to Begin". Why am I so in love with depressing songs?

2008-03-30T15:56:00.000-07:00

*gets out of stopped train*

"What's going on?"
"I don't know, I guess the train is lost"

"How can a train be lost, it's on rails?"

~The Darjeeling Limited

This is one of those comedies that makes you laugh so much but has so many things that make you think of such bigger issues. Maybe it's just me.

2008-03-29T11:57:00.001-07:00

How much energy do the electrons in our body have?

KE=(1/2)(m)(v)^2 (although electrons don't have any net KE, because they are moving in circles, we won't take that into account here)

There are about 2.2320370181851 x 10^28 electrons in the human body

electrons can move up to the speed of light, but we'll say that they are about 90% there for this problem (270,000,000 m/s)

The mass of a proton is about 3.3x10^-27 Kg, and an electron is 1/1836 of this, so an electron weighs about 1.80x10^-30 Kg

So, total mass of electrons in your body is (2.232037018151x10^28)(1.8x10^-30)=.0402 Kg

So then KE=(.5)(.0402)(270,000,000)^2
So there are 1.465x10^15 Joules of energy in the atoms in your body.

To put that in perspective, lets say a 1 Kg ball was being thrown at you with this energy (square root of(1.465x10^15/.5)=54129474 m/s, which would be 54129 Km/hr and 33634.5 mph. That's quite fast.

How would you get all that energy out of the electrons in your body, though?

2008-03-27T22:40:00.000-07:00

It feels like every time I convince myself that I in fact do have enough time to do something, I run out of time.

I want so desperately to stop and plan something with my time without having to spend time planning.

2008-03-24T18:05:00.000-07:00

The other day, I started writing. Like, I was sitting down at a computer at the library and I just wrote...about my life...about what I was thinking about...about so much stuff. It ended up being about 7 or 8 pages, and it only took me about 20 minutes, and I was so satisfied afterward. I wasn't really sure what to do with it. I really had no use for it. So I just left it up, put in bold "Read this" at the top and left. I really hope someone read at least some of it.

So, yeah. Stressful week. Actually, stressful month. Got into college (my second) today, which is good. That makes everything better.

So apparently I am in the "identity searching" stage right now (according to Freudian psychology). I feel like I've been in that stage for the past 7 years.
I'm feeling pretty good about where I'm at right now.

Homework time.

Running on 2.5 hours of sleep.

2008-03-17T00:28:00.001-07:00

Just came back from the ski trip, which was pretty much the best weekend that I have had so far this year. Late-night conversations with people I barely knew. Getting to know people I thought I already knew. Realizing that after they kicked me out of my bed (there were 4 of them-perfect amount for all the seniors), they are really stupid for the things they do sometimes at 3 AM? I'd rather feel my life, or at least my view of it.

But I still respect and love all of them so much even the freshmen/freshman.

"The fights you fight now will be the fights you fight for the rest of your life."

But we become desensitized to those fights over time.

Why do adults think they are so much different than teenagers?

Like, seriously. Maybe its that thing again that the artist cannot see the flaw in his own artwork. But I really don't see any differences.

Oh wow. I think I like someone. Lets hope they like me. Cause if they don't, then I'm going to have a boring Thursday night.

Everything is done. The smallest movements of all the world's possessions, if measured accurately, will tell us what will happen.

And I don't really know what I just said. I can't stop thinking about how my friends laughed at me the other day when I talked about how you're moving at the speed of light if you are moving around while time freezes. Then Ezra let me know that if the speed of light was not the maximum velocity that anything can travel - if something traveled faster - it would be everywhere at once.

That kid has a bright future.

I love track. And the world right now.

El Choque Cultural

2008-03-09T22:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like the artist who can't see his own flaws.

You perceive all of these things
Id never have known.
Will you turn off the lights?
were already home.
-"The Artist" by "The Hush Sound"

so much metaphorical meaning.

And sometimes however much it seems evident of something else, I have absolutely no idea how I feel.

estoy perdido.

Negative thoughts.

2008-03-05T18:55:00.000-08:00

Is it bad that I am beginning to pity myself?

I have been up way too late these past days. I went on a 7-day streak where I went to bed past 1 AM, and that didn't bode well for me.

It isn't like I am doing anything. I keep telling myself, "you have plenty of time, you don't have to finish this now, you have all night, you have all the time in the world." So not true.

But anyways, I ran for the first time in a while today with Luke. It was nice. We went up a bunch of hills, and I convinced myself several times that I needed to stop and stretch my calves, but I kept telling myself that it isn't too bad. And it wasn't.

And I don't think anything is really too bad right now. I just keep convincing myself that it is, and I don't know why.

That's all I can say for now.

Is our government protecting us or itself?

2008-02-24T17:22:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I was going to do a full post on this, but then I realized that my thoughts right now are like really scattered, and I can't really articulate what I was going to say, so I'll let the title of this post speak for like what a whole post should be about.

But, yeah.

"There are no such things as bad days. Just good days and great days"
~Mr Price

Only the greatest Spanish teacher in the world, or one of them at least.

It is funny how we base how we are feeling here and now off of how we have always felt.

Does 18/2+7=14? Too bad.

I am friendly with way too many underclassmen. Or, rather, there are way too many underclassmen who are friendly with me. I guess I'm just that cool. But hanging out with freshmen sort of makes me less cool.

Excuse me, because I have an 8-page Spanish paper to write.

"I got a time of sub-zero!"

2008-02-11T19:25:00.001-08:00

So I am loving the weather lately. It's not very nice for biking to school, but it's nice chilly, snowy, windy weather. Almost like a hurricane of snow.

I can't wait for track. I mean, I loved skiing, and I absolutely loved the people, and I love all the team dinners and I love all the driving people to the ski hill and the amazingness of the people who are just like me. Maybe more people are like me than I realize. I just have to get out there and meet them. But anyways, love the ski team and everything that they do and everything that they are.

I never remember ever really hating Valentine's day, but this year seems to be different. I guess it's because so many of my friends hate it too. The ski team has brought semi-mixed feelings for me on the romantic scale. I mean, I don't hate it, but I just want to punch the people who are all like "oooh, I love you" and then look over to you as if to say "isn't this an awesome day?". No, it isn't. At least not for me. Who ever said teenagers know what love is?

But anywayss...I'll stop being a negative person and start looking forward to track more. And life. And the amazingness that is the present. After all, according to the wise words of Shakespeare, "There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so."

2008-02-02T19:57:00.000-08:00

Please.

We need to stop fighting and start understanding why we don't need to fight. Wars are useless. If we didn't know the situations of others, and if we weren't so obsessed with things happening that we never see, then we wouldn't even have any motivation to fight.

On another note, I wonder how much money everyone would have if we divided the wealth of the whole world between every citizen of the world.

Not enough.

2008-01-24T19:56:00.000-08:00

What if I'm not the same person as I was just two seconds ago? What if instead of living a smooth, complete life, every second I am a new person inheriting all the feeling and memory of my predecessor and constantly erasing my old self and building a new one?

Sometimes I feel like this. Like I'm changing and like I can't always remember who I am. I remember what I did yesterday, I remember what I did last week, I remember what I did last year, but that person in my memory is not me.

It's kinda like what happens to a lot of antiques nowadays. One leg on an antique stool gets replaced, and soon another, and another. Soon the whole stool will be a replacement, but somehow, we can still call it an antique.

I guess it's a good thing.

2008-01-14T20:20:00.000-08:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-Maryanne Williamson

Sometimes small actions, or even inactions, can have the greatest effect.

Sometimes we just have to try something new.

2008-01-08T14:48:00.000-08:00

"There's not something wrong with you, Michael, there's something wrong with everybody else."

The coolest person ever on the ski team.

Last post of ever

2007-11-16T20:32:00.000-08:00

I am retiring the blog. As many of my friends have said, there is no point to this. If people have any interest in me, they'll talk to me. This is stupid. I have to give all of this up.

I just can't do this anymore.

I can't wait for January

2007-11-15T19:12:00.000-08:00

It was awfully rainy today.

Why did I feel like a hero, smiling and biking through the rain while everyone else was huddled under umbrellas waiting for their rides? It was actually really entertaining. They were either thinking...woah...he's cool or...woah...he's absolutely crazy. I don't mind either one.

And apparently, I almost got run over today while biking to school. Maybe the positive effects which biking has on our environment do not surpass the dangers of getting hit. Maybe I should just chill and not worry too much about global warming and rising gas prices and all of that stuff. If I don't risk my life now, I'll be risking my future. I think I'll risk it.

Not that biking is that much of a danger.

Wow, I really need to chill right now. I am worrying about way too many things. I feel like I could explode. I feel like I could punch through my wall right now, but no, that's not a good idea. Maybe I should run more. Maybe running made me numb to everything around me. Whatever it is, I want to be numb again. I at least don't want to think about how I feel.

2007-11-14T11:20:00.000-08:00

Why is it that the more I try to focus on college essays, the more I realize that what I am writing really is not me. I just got an English paper back from my teacher. I am very frustrated with the grade that he gave me, but what frustrates me even more is what he told me to do. He said to rewrite is, yes, that is the good part. But he said “you might want to take a look at some of my edits.” I mean, not to get him wrong, but he edited more than half of the words in my paper. Literally, he reworded things in a way that I would never say them, he added weird metaphors which I would never use, he added facts that aren’t true but make a better storyline. He changed what I said. This isn’t a college essay, but I’ve seen the same in the essays that I’ve asked my teachers to read over. They change my voice. They change things that aren’t necessarily wrong, but they change them to make them “sound better”. Sure they sound better to them. But that is their voice, not mine.

Now, how am I supposed to say that the rewrite that I will turn in tomorrow is mine?

I might just write the name of my English teacher in the upper-right corner.

and again

2007-11-12T17:48:00.000-08:00

Minneapolis, MN
taken from the bridge next to the bridge that collapsed

So yeah.

I can't think of what to write here. So I chose quotations relatively randomly from this web site thingy..

The happiest person is he who thinks the most interesting thoughts. -William Lyon Phelps

All this will not be finished in the first 100 days. Nor will it be finished in the first 1,000 days, nor in the life of this Administration, nor even perhaps in our lifetime on this planet. But let us begin. -John F. Kennedy

Do not look back in anger, or forward in fear, but around in awareness. -James Thurber

A painter paints pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their pictures on silence. -Leopold Stokowski

...so..yeah. That's my daily dose of thinking. And...I am such a loser for reading quotes in my spare time.

wicked happy

2007-11-10T19:39:00.000-08:00

So, yes. NNHS xc lost today. It's funny how cross country is. You have good days and bad days. You can go from one minute slower than your best time to one minute faster than your best time back to one minute slower than your best time in three consecutive races. A lot of it is about luck. What we eat that day, how cold it is, how much we are motivated. It's all luck, really.

But, yeah. At least Seb did well.

Hmm. What should I talk about now? I really have nothing entertaining to say.

Maybe I should talk about how much I want to do stuff with my friends but like have no time to do so. But I actually really do. I am busy during the week, but I don't know the last time I've done something actually entertaining on a Friday night.

But, yeah. Who wants to read my Colby essay? Oh yes.

Writing prompt:
Discuss this quotation

“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.”
-Marie Curie

"When I was in third grade, I realized that life is very fragile. My parents sat both me and my sister down on the couch, and they told us that the life of my 16 year old cousin was cut short by a thick stump on the side of a slippery road. I didn’t know how to deal with it. My life was no longer a thing to take for granted. My life could end just like that, without any warning.

I wasn’t sure how to deal with this truth in third grade. After a few weeks, I began eating less. Within a month or two, I had lost over 10 pounds. My parents couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, so they ran many, many tests for several months, each coming out as negative. Finally, by the time my doctor recommended I see a therapist, my ribs were visible through my back.

My trip to the therapist was not only to help with my weight problem. After my cousin’s death, I had become more and more attached to my parents, never wanting to be separated from them. It seems that fear had taken over my life, fear of losing the ones I love, fear of losing my own life, fear that something unexpected would happen which would separate me from my parents forever.

After a few months with the therapist, things seemed to be improving. Instead of acting on my fears, I understood them. I understood that what happened to my cousin was not normal. I understood that what happened to my cousin will most likely not happen to me any time soon. Now I understand that worrying about these futile things, the one in a million chances, is not worth it.

I no longer fear death such as that of my cousin. I do not fear what could happen, but rather accept that it could happen and live my life not worrying. We must understand that life is too short to worry about it ending. In a way, life is like going skydiving. We all are going to hit the ground sometime. It is just a matter of how much we enjoy the ride. "

Uhm, good job if you read all that.

Peace.

SSA8MyBsaWZl

2007-11-08T18:25:00.001-08:00

"Somewhere at the edge of the bell curve is the girl for me"

So, yeah. Somewhere at the edge of the bell curve. They'll have to find me. Cause where I am now is where I want to be. The status quo is amazing. Although it is not necessarily the best thing.

I think I am getting over this terrible teenager stage.

I am so amazingly happy with everything right now.

So there was this kid. This kid on the Cross Country team (and, I know, I'll stop obsessing over xc in a few weeks, don't worry). He was biking down about a block from my house. Or maybe more. But really close. And so, I kinda knew him. But last Saturday, I noticed police tape and a kinda heap of metal on the road. It was the bike the police were apparently trying to piece together. So then on Monday, I heard about this whole thing. This whole thing and who it involved.

You see, I could see myself doing exactly what that kid did. Biking across the street. Not looking. And bam. In the hospital with almost every bone in his face broken. But he was wearing a helmet. So he's not dead, luckily.

So the team sends him a card, I send him something saying to get well soon. You know, all light-hearted and stuff. Like sending a card to the president. You don't expect anything to come of it or it to have any importance.

Then I hear from my coach who visited him in the hospital. He's not looking too good. He's not looking good at all. He's currently in a medically-induced coma, but the doctors aren't really sure whether he'll actually come out of that coma once they take him off the medications. He hasn't responded since the accident (although the doctors think they might have felt him squeeze his finger when they were seeing if he was conscious).

But this could have been me. This could have easily been me. I bike every day. And I usually bike without a helmet. Without a helmet. I would be dead right now. That easily. Without warning.

One slight mistake can bring the ultimate consequence.

...at least I understand something about black holes

2007-11-02T18:46:00.000-07:00

Ok, so change of topic.

Science.

I was thinking today and wondering how moons and other objects are able to stay adrift in space with just enough acceleration to keep from getting sucked towards a planet, but not enough acceleration to escape its gravitational pull. Then I thought, wouldn't it be cool if the earth could act as a huge magnifier, pulling light ever so slightly towards it, therefore creating a point where this light would meet back up and like be slightly stronger than normal light.

Ok, so I probably lost you there. So then I thought about black holes. Light is both a wave and a particle, and a black hole, to my understanding, is basically a really, reallly compressed planet, sucking in light that comes at it. Now what if this light is able to act as a satellite? If light traveled at just the correct angle across just the right distance from a black hole with just the right mass, the light would therefore be caught in the black hole's field of gravity, spinning around and around the black hole just as Saturn's rings spin around Saturn.

Alright. Now what?

Hmm.

"You dream it as you tell it, hoping others might dream along with you"
Tim O'Brien

Senior year will never happen again

2007-10-22T17:01:00.000-07:00

(and I'm not sure if that's a good thing)

So I'm not so sure if this is good or what that I'm posting again.

College essays are reasonably terrible. The fact that I have to write for something is really annoying me. I mean, with school and everything, I am used to forceful writing. But forceful semi-creative writing...not so much. I've written so many things, deviating ever so slightly from the truth that I don't even know who I am any more.

Who am I? Only you (the general you) can answer that.

So, yeah. What to say, what to say.

"In the beginning of sixth grade, my English class was told to fill out a sheet, along with a picture of myself, to be hung up out in the hallway. Everybody quickly filled out theirs, but I, being careful to fill out the description of me correctly, took more time to fill it out. Finally, when I was done, I went out alone to hang up my sheet in the hallway.

The next day, I looked over my classmates’ sheets. One section of the sheet asked us to fill in the blank in the statement “I am ___”. Everyone else wrote his/her names, but I wrote “happy person”. When all my new classmates and possible friends came into school that sunny day, they looked over all the other sheets, and chuckled at mine. They chuckled at my lack of knowledge. They chuckled at my mistake, although I revealed more about myself in that one blank than a name could.

Later that day, my happiness was tested. Towards the end of the day, there was an announcement telling us to proceed to our homerooms. When I saw my homeroom teacher nearly crying, I knew there was something wrong. But I stayed happy. Even when they announced that two planes had hit the world trade centers and pentagon and that thousands of people had died, I was still smiling. I did so not to make light of the situation, but rather to comfort my classmates. In the midst of sadness and fear, I wanted to be happy so that my classmates could follow my lead and realize that sadness is pointless."

Be happy. That's all we really have.

2007-08-29T10:04:00.000-07:00

So, yeah. Summer's ending. And with it the relaxation and happiness that it brings. It seems that no matter how bored I am, it is even hard to sit down and focus on my college applications. Not that they're super-exciting.

So, yeah. One more week of relative relaxation. Then school takes over my life. Why do we even spend 1/4 of our lives learning how to live a better life? I guess school is necessary for other reasons, too.

So, yes. I have so much more left to say. But I will refrain from telling it to people I don't know.

k,peace out. It'll probably be a long, long time before I post here again.

The Rich

2007-08-09T20:56:00.000-07:00

Ok, so communism sucks. We all know that. But what we really need is a balance between communism and what we have now. We can't have this social divide in our country. Some have so much money they will never need to work again while others have so little money working double shifts on three different jobs won't pay the bills. So, basically..we need to get the money in our economy out of the hands of the rich. Taxes do this, but even they aren't enough. We need to get money out of the hands of the rich and into the hands of the poor.

But really the only problem that we will have to face sometime is overpopulation. With less people, there will be more of everything. There will be more to survive on.

Just a thought I had late at night.

100'th post

2007-07-26T20:22:00.000-07:00

I love eternal sunshine. Also, "The Garden State" is like really good in the same way.

but yeah. The movie "Once" seems amazing too. I don't know. I really have nothing else to talk about.

2007-07-19T19:28:00.000-07:00

hmmm....the protocols of zion. HMMM. Absolutely terrible. Well, the movie is good. So apparently, there are people out there who believe that on 9/11, when the world trade centers fell, 4000 jews didn't show up to their work at the WTC. Wow. Could people be more obsessive. People try to find a reason for everything, a cover-up for everything, even if it does not exist. I know over 3,000 people died. I know people are frustrated and want someone who they can personally take revenge on. I know many people are grown up with the idea that "jews are bad" cemented into their brain. But there is really no one group of people to blame for 9/11.

Speaking of embarassing...look at this race. The world-class runners were on track to getting very, very good times, but the officials lost track of the number of laps! A tragedy only a runner can truly understand.

And don't forget

to wear sunscreen

Peace

Some pictures

2007-07-15T17:26:00.001-07:00

Mexico Trip

I'll post more on this later.

p.s.
I am amazingly happy.
oh yeah, and you can see, I changed the maps on the right hand side. Now they show the current lightning strikes and radar in the United States.

so many things

2007-07-02T21:00:00.000-07:00

ok, so just got back from Mexico, which was amazingly sweet. I saw pretty much everything. Starting with Merida, I had a good mexican city experience, then to Chichen Itza to get the historical background of Mexico, (along with exploring a rainforest), then to Playa del Carmen and Cozumel to view the marine life of the Gulf of Mexico. Overall, it was quite sweet.

Only two weeks into summer. It is amazing so far.

Yeah. Basically.

and, oh, the iphone. Absolutely amazing. Except for the price. But, still...maybe in a year I'll buy one. I'm a loser and watched the whole 20-minute guided tour of the iphone from apple, but there are other shorter reviews on youtube and such. But all of these videos can't do the iphone justice. I actually accidentally ended up going to an AT&T store and actually tried it out, and it is better than any of the videos portrayed it to be.

so, yeah. I actually am sorta splitting this post up oddly, seeing that I am like writing it in pieces over like 4 days...but it was nice in Mexico. The Mexicans saw us as one thing and only one thing. TOURISTS. So, basically, we stood out a bit. Everywhere we went, people were hassling us to go into their stores. For every cab ride, if we didn't ask the price up front, cab drivers would double and even triple the fares if we asked what the price was once we stopped. The last day, we got charged 10 dollars to travel about a mile and a half by cab. It was pretty bad. I would have liked to do a service trip to Mexico with my church or something so that I could be viewed as someone who is solely there to help. Oh well.

But, in a way, being a tourist wasn't the worst thing. What I hate (and this is really random) is when people stereotype me by my looks. Well..not even looks...for some people, if they see a teenage guy on the street, they will cross the road. When I was walking home from fireworks tonight, I was just like walking behind this mother and her kid, along with a million other people, and the mother kept on blatantly turning her head and staring at me. Then she crossed the road. I mean COME ON...I'm not the type to mug people. Why are people so afraid of me?

Soooo....the songs I am loving right now...Breathe in (Frou Frou), Hey There Delilah, and Snow (Hey Oh). Oh yes. Frou Frou makes such good music videos, too.

excuse meee too busyyy writing your tragedyyyy

heheee...time for a Garden State quote
"Even though the past makes you numb to life, make a spontaneous decision to live your life now in the present...because you only get one chance at this thing...everyday attempt to do something that will make up for all this mess."

haha, I used to think quotes like this actually had some significance to me. Except I used to try to apply it to the littlest issues in my life. My life isn't a mess. And I have to stop thinking that quotes like these should have any importance to me.

OH well. Hmmm...running out of things to sayy...launched my rocket today...and lost it in the trees...lol, couldn't have guessed that one. It was pretty sweet, though. OOO and I got my ACT scores back and did wicked well. I am going to college after all!

so, yeah. Summer is sweet. Life is sweet. Everything is sweet.

Peace