What I want to do more than anything right now is

A) Talk to Caylin
B) Apologize to her
C) Cry

I am searching for something I have never seen. I don't know what love is, but I feel love, or at least a connection, towards the entire world.

The other day, I sat down and tried to understand what it was I was longing so much for my first year of college. Love-but what is love? Going on a formal date with someone you're physically attracted to or spending the night talking with your friends? I can tell you right now, I am more attracted to my friends right now than I have been to anyone else. But I'm not attracted to them in any sexual way. I love them. Being around them makes me happier than anything. Screw the awkwardness and difficulty of exploring romantic relationships and dating. I want to explore my friendships. The love that I have found through friends is relentless.

I liked the idea of love more than love itself, and now I'm beginning to realize that the idea of romantic love has little to no meaning in my life.

Love?

water water everywhere, but not a drop to drink.

It will be an eternal wait

for this girl I would like to call Clementine.

The Whole World is Asleep

I’m awake wandering the bodies
No, wandering the streets
Empty streets, smiling manikins, frozen people
I have the world to myself
I am alone

I have one comrade
Always by my side
He will agree with what I think, most of the time
But sometimes I hear him getting angry inside of me
I try to calm him
Most of the time I can

Sometimes I can’t
He rages out, controlling my body
Punching walls, having no respect for the empty casket he inhabits
He is angry, but has no words to tell me why
If only I could learn where this fire comes from

But for now, I must just suppress him
Whenever I feel him trying to control me
I must bolt the door which he is hidden behind

And continue on alone.

Gala tonight.

I hate organized formal dances. With a passion.

If you want something in life, reach out and grab it.

I can hear the song in my head. Not for anybody yet, but for everybody. Someone who I probably don't know yet.

It is a wonderful song. It doesn't have lyrics yet, but those are to be added later, to fill in the gaps. I made a love song without lyrics.

Yet, whenever I try to play it, I can't. I can get the tune, just barely. But it doesn't sound the same as it does in my head. It sounds off-key and dull. I can't even find the chords for it yet. It is almost like the song in my head is an emotional reaction to the song rather than the song itself.

I've written a lot of songs before, but somehow, I can't get this one out of my head.

"Do one thing every day that scares you"

I think I've fulfilled that "thing" for this week.

So freaking excited.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chaos_theory

Ergo, we have a destiny.

Sometimes I wonder.

Wonder where I am and wonder where I'm going.

It seems now that I am lost without hope. I am in the worst position because everyone thinks I know my way, but I really don't. I am just lost.

I love my friends and love everyone. I just feel frustrated for some reason.

But other than that, I love life.

I did some research on zero-mass objects with zero velocity. The only way objects can have zero mass is if they are moving at C, but I also played around with the equation and showed that the equation does not disprove the existence of massless particles with zero velocity. Although, how would we detect a particle if it has zero mass and zero energy? It is basically...nothing. But then again, how does gravity work? Would these particles have a gravitational field? Maybe. Possibly.

I am madly obsessed with my friend. (I typed in love, but then realized that I don't really know what it is).

Life is awesome.

la Maison en Petits Cubes

This is a really, really nice short film.


La Maison en Petits Cubes - Kunio Kato

We can tell the weather, right? It's all about making estimates about where parcels of air will be and how they collide. But there is a lot of uncertainty about it. What if we could examine each tiny particle in the air and know how that particle is going to react with every other particle? If we can look infinitely close, we can then in turn make an infinitely perfect prediction of the weather.

We are all made of particles, though. Our whole universe is made of particles.

Now I am more confident in answering the question "do we have a destiny?". Why, yes we do. If we look infinitely close at every particle in our body and know perfectly well how those particles react with everything else in the world, then we will know everything in our future.

We might never be able to look this close, but at least we know we can. We know we have a set future even if we don't know what that future will be.

O, unrequited love.

I feel like I only get girls' attention because I'm nice (or at least try to be). I wonder if anyone has actually ever been truly attracted to me. Life's frustrating sometimes.

"You need to be more of an asshole.", as Caylin says. I'm dying to have someone who doesn't like me as a friend.

"Hate the personality, not the person"

I'm beginning to doubt my intelligence in choosing mostly girls to become friends with. They all have boy problems. Then I am dragged into their world of frustration against males. Then I become depressed.

Why?

First of all, shout out to my friend with an absolutely amazing voice and crazy talent, Hannah Buckley. http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=125924834

I would recommend listening to "Blueberry Stains"

And I thought I had something to write here. I'm so, so happy. I realized this weekend that I CAN'T do everything and still keep up with my homework while getting an acceptable amount of sleep. My sleep has been all messed up lately. I kinda want to do that cool thing where you sleep for 20 minutes every 2 hours. That's basically where I'm heading.

Time to go through some sample data and be cool with excel.

I'm so, so cool.

So, what's new with my life lately?

I have this week planned out to perfection. Unfortunately not including work. My Friday is going to be epic, with the torch run (10 miles of tough stuff), puddle jump (cutting a hole into Bates' own Lake Andrews and jumping in), then bonfire, then laser tag. Oh, and big air comp tonight on Mount David and Tele lessons tomorrow. I <3 tele skiing. Except I did try the other day and kinda failed miserably since I was just imitating what I've seen other people do without any lessons. I went to a 10:30 A Capella concert last night, got out at 11:45 then worked from then till 3 AM, then woke up for my 8 AM then have been moving ever since.

This week is crazy. I like, I like.

I also love all my friends way too much.

So somehow when I posted last, I ended up not only losing that post but also like the previous 6 months of posts. Oh well. Tis sad.

I will update sometime but I am wicked busy right now. Later, though.

I am at the edge of something big. Camping in Acadia was fun this weekend.