Sometimes you just have to let go.

I wish I could understand every single aspect of my life, including the ones I have never lived without.

I wish I could describe perfectly who I am and what I want to be and understand where I am going.

I wish we could look into matter infinitely so and prove that our fate is set.

I wish I could understand what religion's motives are. I can't understand God's will by listening to my pastor. That's my pastor's interpretation of God's will. I can only understand god through prayer. And how do I know that what I am "understanding" is not really my own thoughts reflecting back into my consciousness?

I wish I could talk with even the most hostile and allow us to share views peacefully.

I wish I knew if time exists everywhere. If time exists forever, then our lifetime is an infinitely small flash. With the same argument, if you step out of time, you will exist for all eternity. In a similar way, if space exists forever, then, compared to the whole, any amount of matter that we can think of is infinitely-impossibly small.

To search for any meaning here would mean answering some of these questions.

Any ideas?

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain

I love this world more than I could ever explain.

What is missing someone? What is distance? It is space between you and me, but when we’re sitting next to each other, there is space, too. Communication, touching, feeling may decrease this space, but our souls are always separate. I just see it as more space when I’m alone on a mountain top on the other side of the world. I breathe, and I know you’re breathing through 12,000 miles (or more) of molten rock. I am just as connected with all my family and all my friends, and the entire world. Space separates us now, but space always separates us, sometimes more than others. Maybe love is just missing someone who is sitting next to you? Maybe love is longing to be reunited with the person sitting next to you?

I reached the top of a mountain the other day. It was snowy, and I was alone, but I thought of this. I’m thousands of miles away from anyone I may know, but I continue longing for life to reunite me with all whom I love.

What is gone is not lost. All the world is simply what we see and think. What's so important? What's the difference between memories created and memories remembered? The silhouette of you will always echo through my mind and my dreams. This way, you will always live on in my life. You may be gone, but you are not lost.

The first sentence is from a short story by a Kiwi, but the rest was my thinking when I was trapped in a 10x10 room for 36 hours by the weather. (literally...I could not go outside)

The sun never sleeps in.

Who am I to live my life the way I've been living.

I need to slow down and make less friends.

I don't think you know
what I think.
Maine, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Michigan, Illinois, Wisconsin, Minnesota, South Dakota, Montana, Idaho, and Washington. That's what separates me from you. 3,173 miles.

But with that distance, I realize how much I want someone to know me. Is it you? Is that you? Or is my mind creating this person? I wish I knew.

The warmth of summer is so nice.

"I do not care what car you drive. Where you live. If you know someone who knows someone who knows someone. If your clothes are this year’s cutting edge. If your trust fund is unlimited. If you are A-list B-list or never heard of you list. I only care about the words that flutter from your mind. They are the only thing you truly own. The only thing I will remember you by. I will not fall in love with your bones and skin. I will not fall in love with the places you have been. I will not fall in love with anything but the words that flutter from your extraordinary mind."

“we became inseparable, in fact, my life was completely consumed by his and he never thought to ask me whether I had my own destiny to follow, it was quite clear that I had to follow his”

If you don't say what you mean, and you don't think what you say, do you say what you think?

so many people leaning on me
I am trying to keep my balance
but if I fall, the whole world goes with me.

Knowing the events of 4.10.10, there I thought this was a very, very possible situation. Somehow I managed to stay on my feet. Why have 4 frustrated people and 2 happy people when you can have 6 happy people? Life is frustrating. Especially because people cannot control their feelings.

My one advice to my friend "keep moving". You stop, and you will find yourself more frustrated. You keep moving, and you will find a new place. Move, even if you have nowhere to go. It's like saying "I don't know what I want to do for a career, so I won't go to college yet". You start out aimless-everyone does. Then you find your path.

But this is why I want to go to New Zealand. I want to find my path. I want to know what I want. I want to understand myself so that my wandering has purpose and is not wandering defined by who I am with. But does this understanding have any meaning if I am constantly surrounded by people? Maybe it is pointless understanding yourself outside of the context of your friends and society because you will always be surrounded by them. Or at least the latter.

I suppose I lean on my friends, too. And they help keep me upright.

Am I supposed to understand my feelings or just ride them like a wave?

What is the difference between memories and our current location? The present becomes memory so quickly, it is hard to understand. We live in the past. By the time our senses convey their messages to our brain, we will be seeing what already happened. The present has no real existence in our mind-only. Memories and consciousness are the mind's interpretation of the present.

I love how I try writing poetry, but something has changed since I used to be able to be eloquent through poetry. Every time I start a poem, I'm too wordy, trying to analyze and explain everything. Poetry isn't an art describing our world-it is an art of stimulation feelings and emotions. I need to understand that. I think I try to get deeper things out of poetry than really exist.

Life is so intensely complicated right now. Why does love have to take up so much of my waking thought when it is not something that is really physically active in this world. Love is but a distractor, forcing us to live in our heads and not in this world. But, do we really live in this world, or do we really live in our heads? At least, love is making us turn our heads away from the projection of our senses into our conscious.

Would the world exist if we didn't exist? This isn't my normal question wondering about our own existence. It is more of a question of what is the world, if it does in fact exist. It is a vast expanse of location and probability, which are translated by our senses. If our senses didn't exist, would the world only be mathematical theory or would it still "exist" in the generally accepted sense of existence?

Arrrrghghgh....my life is so sinusoidal right now. Why do I always get myself into these situations?

I just talked to a stranger who was lost but couldn't tell me where he wanted to go. It is fine if he knows where he's going and can't communicate, but an entirely different situation if he's lost.

White knuckle softly

Why do I obsess over things that don't matter in any way? Life is frustrating me in so many different ways right now. I spend so much time trying to figure out how to handle a situation that by the time I end up trying to handle it, it's already gone.

I wish, just for once, I could be mellow and likeable and normal. I wish my ideas could be conveyed without me saying one word. I wish people could just understand and I didn't have to overthink every action that I make.

Why?

Who am I?

Six months from now, I will begin a great journey to find myself. I want to see who I am out of the context of society, out of the context of civilization, out of the context of my comfortable acquaintances. I want to find out who I really am.

I will immerse myself in a new environment, without knowing anybody. My plan is not to get to meet people; this is exactly the opposite of what I want to do. My plan is to view society without being part of it.

I think in this society, we form ourselves too much by the people around us. Heck, we get married before we understand who we, truly, really are. I want to switch this order. I will discover myself, and who I am, and what my goals in life really should be through this journey. I may not be able to attain these goals, but at least I have a target to aim for.

So the question remains; who am I? Right now, I am, outwardly, who you want me to be, but I don't want to be that person any more. I want to be who I am, or at least understand who I am.

fighting

"I want to change their minds, not kill them for weaknesses we all posses"

Why do we fight? As Ghandi said, or at least as Ghandi believed (the above quote is from the movie-I don't know if it's actually a quote of his), there is no need for fighting if we can be all on the same page. Yes, I do get taken advantage of many times because of my willingness to do things, and even when I know it, I still do it. One must not fight the unjust doers, but rather make their injustices public. In this way, the victim can never be guilty (as he/she has not fought back in the traditional way). Instead, the perpetrator may be shunned or looked down on by society. Humans are very social and being rejected by others is a strong incentive to stop what you are doing in order to become accepted once again. If the perpetrator only fights with the victim, they only have the victim's acceptance to lose. Instead, if their injustices are made public, they have the world's acceptance to lose.

I believe there is never any valid reason to fight. Fighting is just an immediate human reaction to anger, which is very destructive and polarizing. Fight with silence and with the acceptance of the world, and you have so much leverage.

Prison

I was having a conversation with my friend the other day about prison and punishment in general by the government.

At the beginning of the conversation, my point of view was that no one should be locked up. Why lock people up? It promotes hatred, not love. Yes, these people did something wrong, but our reaction shouldn't be to get back at them by locking them up. What we really need to do is find some way to reform them.

Psychologically, sending someone to prison is not an efficient way to teach them wrong from right. You send them to prison for something wrong they originally did, and they spend years not contemplating that thing, but rather being angry and living their life trying to forget that thing they did. It doesn't matter where they are, whether they are locked up or whether they are even taken out of society. What should happen is they should be constantly reminded of what they did. They committed a crime because they did not fully understand the consequences of that crime on others. We need to show them how this is wrong and what they really did. For example, someone who brutally murdered someone. Sending this person to prison will do nothing to them. What we need to do is to make their mind a prison. We need to put their actions into perspective. We should show the perpetrator how they have affected the victim's family and friends. We should show the perpetrator how they have taken a life away from this world, just as if their own family were to die. We need to show this criminal what they did to the world, and their treatment is only done once they understand fully and feel the guilt they should. This guilt is worse than any prison sentence that can be given to them. Living with the full guilt of killing someone will change them. Not only would they never do it again, but they will live day to day with this guilt heavy on their minds.

Putting someone in prison is very...human. We need to go beyond our basic human instincts of punishing someone physically for a crime. Yes, if one of my friends or family members were murdered, I would want to find that person and kill them myself, but this is but a human instinct. This is anger-driven. Too many things in this world are anger-driven. We need to stop and think and realize that what is in the past has already happened. We need to realize that the worst we can do to this person is to make them feel how we feel.