“we became inseparable, in fact, my life was completely consumed by his and he never thought to ask me whether I had my own destiny to follow, it was quite clear that I had to follow his”

If you don't say what you mean, and you don't think what you say, do you say what you think?

so many people leaning on me
I am trying to keep my balance
but if I fall, the whole world goes with me.

Knowing the events of 4.10.10, there I thought this was a very, very possible situation. Somehow I managed to stay on my feet. Why have 4 frustrated people and 2 happy people when you can have 6 happy people? Life is frustrating. Especially because people cannot control their feelings.

My one advice to my friend "keep moving". You stop, and you will find yourself more frustrated. You keep moving, and you will find a new place. Move, even if you have nowhere to go. It's like saying "I don't know what I want to do for a career, so I won't go to college yet". You start out aimless-everyone does. Then you find your path.

But this is why I want to go to New Zealand. I want to find my path. I want to know what I want. I want to understand myself so that my wandering has purpose and is not wandering defined by who I am with. But does this understanding have any meaning if I am constantly surrounded by people? Maybe it is pointless understanding yourself outside of the context of your friends and society because you will always be surrounded by them. Or at least the latter.

I suppose I lean on my friends, too. And they help keep me upright.

Am I supposed to understand my feelings or just ride them like a wave?

What is the difference between memories and our current location? The present becomes memory so quickly, it is hard to understand. We live in the past. By the time our senses convey their messages to our brain, we will be seeing what already happened. The present has no real existence in our mind-only. Memories and consciousness are the mind's interpretation of the present.

I love how I try writing poetry, but something has changed since I used to be able to be eloquent through poetry. Every time I start a poem, I'm too wordy, trying to analyze and explain everything. Poetry isn't an art describing our world-it is an art of stimulation feelings and emotions. I need to understand that. I think I try to get deeper things out of poetry than really exist.

Life is so intensely complicated right now. Why does love have to take up so much of my waking thought when it is not something that is really physically active in this world. Love is but a distractor, forcing us to live in our heads and not in this world. But, do we really live in this world, or do we really live in our heads? At least, love is making us turn our heads away from the projection of our senses into our conscious.

Would the world exist if we didn't exist? This isn't my normal question wondering about our own existence. It is more of a question of what is the world, if it does in fact exist. It is a vast expanse of location and probability, which are translated by our senses. If our senses didn't exist, would the world only be mathematical theory or would it still "exist" in the generally accepted sense of existence?