The sun never sleeps in.

Who am I to live my life the way I've been living.

I need to slow down and make less friends.

I don't think you know
what I think.
Maine, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Michigan, Illinois, Wisconsin, Minnesota, South Dakota, Montana, Idaho, and Washington. That's what separates me from you. 3,173 miles.

But with that distance, I realize how much I want someone to know me. Is it you? Is that you? Or is my mind creating this person? I wish I knew.

The warmth of summer is so nice.

"I do not care what car you drive. Where you live. If you know someone who knows someone who knows someone. If your clothes are this year’s cutting edge. If your trust fund is unlimited. If you are A-list B-list or never heard of you list. I only care about the words that flutter from your mind. They are the only thing you truly own. The only thing I will remember you by. I will not fall in love with your bones and skin. I will not fall in love with the places you have been. I will not fall in love with anything but the words that flutter from your extraordinary mind."

“we became inseparable, in fact, my life was completely consumed by his and he never thought to ask me whether I had my own destiny to follow, it was quite clear that I had to follow his”

If you don't say what you mean, and you don't think what you say, do you say what you think?

so many people leaning on me
I am trying to keep my balance
but if I fall, the whole world goes with me.

Knowing the events of 4.10.10, there I thought this was a very, very possible situation. Somehow I managed to stay on my feet. Why have 4 frustrated people and 2 happy people when you can have 6 happy people? Life is frustrating. Especially because people cannot control their feelings.

My one advice to my friend "keep moving". You stop, and you will find yourself more frustrated. You keep moving, and you will find a new place. Move, even if you have nowhere to go. It's like saying "I don't know what I want to do for a career, so I won't go to college yet". You start out aimless-everyone does. Then you find your path.

But this is why I want to go to New Zealand. I want to find my path. I want to know what I want. I want to understand myself so that my wandering has purpose and is not wandering defined by who I am with. But does this understanding have any meaning if I am constantly surrounded by people? Maybe it is pointless understanding yourself outside of the context of your friends and society because you will always be surrounded by them. Or at least the latter.

I suppose I lean on my friends, too. And they help keep me upright.

Am I supposed to understand my feelings or just ride them like a wave?

What is the difference between memories and our current location? The present becomes memory so quickly, it is hard to understand. We live in the past. By the time our senses convey their messages to our brain, we will be seeing what already happened. The present has no real existence in our mind-only. Memories and consciousness are the mind's interpretation of the present.

I love how I try writing poetry, but something has changed since I used to be able to be eloquent through poetry. Every time I start a poem, I'm too wordy, trying to analyze and explain everything. Poetry isn't an art describing our world-it is an art of stimulation feelings and emotions. I need to understand that. I think I try to get deeper things out of poetry than really exist.

Life is so intensely complicated right now. Why does love have to take up so much of my waking thought when it is not something that is really physically active in this world. Love is but a distractor, forcing us to live in our heads and not in this world. But, do we really live in this world, or do we really live in our heads? At least, love is making us turn our heads away from the projection of our senses into our conscious.

Would the world exist if we didn't exist? This isn't my normal question wondering about our own existence. It is more of a question of what is the world, if it does in fact exist. It is a vast expanse of location and probability, which are translated by our senses. If our senses didn't exist, would the world only be mathematical theory or would it still "exist" in the generally accepted sense of existence?

Arrrrghghgh....my life is so sinusoidal right now. Why do I always get myself into these situations?

I just talked to a stranger who was lost but couldn't tell me where he wanted to go. It is fine if he knows where he's going and can't communicate, but an entirely different situation if he's lost.

White knuckle softly

Why do I obsess over things that don't matter in any way? Life is frustrating me in so many different ways right now. I spend so much time trying to figure out how to handle a situation that by the time I end up trying to handle it, it's already gone.

I wish, just for once, I could be mellow and likeable and normal. I wish my ideas could be conveyed without me saying one word. I wish people could just understand and I didn't have to overthink every action that I make.

Why?

Who am I?

Six months from now, I will begin a great journey to find myself. I want to see who I am out of the context of society, out of the context of civilization, out of the context of my comfortable acquaintances. I want to find out who I really am.

I will immerse myself in a new environment, without knowing anybody. My plan is not to get to meet people; this is exactly the opposite of what I want to do. My plan is to view society without being part of it.

I think in this society, we form ourselves too much by the people around us. Heck, we get married before we understand who we, truly, really are. I want to switch this order. I will discover myself, and who I am, and what my goals in life really should be through this journey. I may not be able to attain these goals, but at least I have a target to aim for.

So the question remains; who am I? Right now, I am, outwardly, who you want me to be, but I don't want to be that person any more. I want to be who I am, or at least understand who I am.

fighting

"I want to change their minds, not kill them for weaknesses we all posses"

Why do we fight? As Ghandi said, or at least as Ghandi believed (the above quote is from the movie-I don't know if it's actually a quote of his), there is no need for fighting if we can be all on the same page. Yes, I do get taken advantage of many times because of my willingness to do things, and even when I know it, I still do it. One must not fight the unjust doers, but rather make their injustices public. In this way, the victim can never be guilty (as he/she has not fought back in the traditional way). Instead, the perpetrator may be shunned or looked down on by society. Humans are very social and being rejected by others is a strong incentive to stop what you are doing in order to become accepted once again. If the perpetrator only fights with the victim, they only have the victim's acceptance to lose. Instead, if their injustices are made public, they have the world's acceptance to lose.

I believe there is never any valid reason to fight. Fighting is just an immediate human reaction to anger, which is very destructive and polarizing. Fight with silence and with the acceptance of the world, and you have so much leverage.

Prison

I was having a conversation with my friend the other day about prison and punishment in general by the government.

At the beginning of the conversation, my point of view was that no one should be locked up. Why lock people up? It promotes hatred, not love. Yes, these people did something wrong, but our reaction shouldn't be to get back at them by locking them up. What we really need to do is find some way to reform them.

Psychologically, sending someone to prison is not an efficient way to teach them wrong from right. You send them to prison for something wrong they originally did, and they spend years not contemplating that thing, but rather being angry and living their life trying to forget that thing they did. It doesn't matter where they are, whether they are locked up or whether they are even taken out of society. What should happen is they should be constantly reminded of what they did. They committed a crime because they did not fully understand the consequences of that crime on others. We need to show them how this is wrong and what they really did. For example, someone who brutally murdered someone. Sending this person to prison will do nothing to them. What we need to do is to make their mind a prison. We need to put their actions into perspective. We should show the perpetrator how they have affected the victim's family and friends. We should show the perpetrator how they have taken a life away from this world, just as if their own family were to die. We need to show this criminal what they did to the world, and their treatment is only done once they understand fully and feel the guilt they should. This guilt is worse than any prison sentence that can be given to them. Living with the full guilt of killing someone will change them. Not only would they never do it again, but they will live day to day with this guilt heavy on their minds.

Putting someone in prison is very...human. We need to go beyond our basic human instincts of punishing someone physically for a crime. Yes, if one of my friends or family members were murdered, I would want to find that person and kill them myself, but this is but a human instinct. This is anger-driven. Too many things in this world are anger-driven. We need to stop and think and realize that what is in the past has already happened. We need to realize that the worst we can do to this person is to make them feel how we feel.

I need to figure out who I am before I expect others to understand who I am. Do I have to be someone?

"We can't build our happiness on top of someone else's sadness"

I've been writing like crazy about Thursday's events. This is a paragraph from my many pages of thoughts that I have on my computer.

"I need to redefine who you are in my mind. I need to convince myself that you are my friend, not my lover. I need to drown out the memories of you and me together with new memories. Either that, or I cut my connection with you and try not to think of you ever again. But this is the easiest way out. I want to be friends with you, and I think you would want that, too. And the hardest thing is, I have no memories of you as a friend. I need to either make new memories or change the ones I already have.

So I will try my hardest to redefine you. I will dilute my poignant, poisonous memories of my lover with that of my friend, and hopefully this poison will not be enough to kill me."

Ah, la vida. Slowly but surely getting used to it. Finals week coming up. So excited.

I love(d) her so much it is hard to fathom. She just didn't love me back. But I knew this was inevitable. It still hasn't sunk in yet. Just a nagging headache and the inability to focus on anything.

I will be crying in an hour, and won't stop until I find someone new. I guarantee it.

My friend: “It’s not your fault Mike, you know”

No, it's not, it's 53 percent of Maine's voters' fault. I'm so so angry even though I know it's not my fault. I've begin to wonder why, in fact, I should be this angry when it really doesn't directly affect me (I mean, it does hit close to home because I have two mothers, but they're already married and set in Massachusetts). I feel like, for me, it's not as much the idea that same-sex couples need more rights, but more the idea that people would be so ignorant to hate when they can love. In my mind, the root of almost all the conflicts in this world is due to blind hatred. No matter how people phrase it, if they are against equality (and against same-sex marriage), they are hating people solely because they are different. Why not love people and understand their differences?

My ideas are rooted in the fact that if we want to survive in this world, we must eventually become intertwined in love. If we hate one another, how can we make each other happy? How can we make this world better? Hatred only breeds hatred. Love, no matter what type, breeds happiness.

It is my fault, however, for not knocking on people's doors and explaining to them why a yes on 1 vote would directly hurt these people when it has no effect on them. In my mind, if they don't like it, GET USED TO IT. If they're uncomfortable with what's going on, well they better ask themselves why they are. And hopefully they will soon realize that they are solely acting on human nature and how they were brought up that different is bad. "I don't like gays....I'm a Christian". Well, then, why in fact does your being a christian mean that you don't like gays "because....my pastor told me so…because the bible told me so…because religion told me so". Well then, LISTEN TO YOURSELF FOR ONCE. Can you not figure out what's right and wrong for yourself, or do you have to have a fucking religious leader tell you so? People are so blind and ignorant of their blindness. People should have the right to act how they want without other people's bigoted opinions getting in their way, and the state should recognize that.

Screw it. I'm quitting Bates, going to a seminary school, starting my own New Christian Church and marrying EVERYONE. Or, how about this-we make our own fucking country.

“God Hates Fags”

Well, to start with, I would like to say fuck your thinking (I would say fuck you but you are but a person who has these ideas). What gives you the power to say that God hates fags? So, you may refer me to the bible (which I have other problems with, but this is not the issue). So, you refer me to one of those passages that somehow ambiguously mentions homosexuality in a negative connotation. Based on this passage, (in my mind, you can’t even say that this passage says anything conclusive) homosexuality could be considered a SIN. Why would god hate a PERSON??? Think about your contradicting ideas before you make a sign full of hatred. Just another piece of evidence supporting the ignorance of some people.

My gay friend:

“I don't think the solution is going to come easily any more. There are too many things wrong with this country for complacency. We need to get angry, and we need to tell people that they're wrong. We need to offend people's sensibilities, and make them feel as threatened as I do when someone calls me a fag.”

But that is the opposite of what we want to do, isn’t it? We want to stop the hate. We want to explain calmly to them what is wrong. But, what if we did get angry? What if we did offend people’s sensibilities? They can’t throw any hatred back at us because if they do any more than they are already doing, then they will in fact be blatantly homophobic, which is regarded as unacceptable in the eyes of most people. So maybe we should make people move by making them angry? But this anger will not improve the world.

Also, another conversation that I had with a random person after I posted something on a facebook group’s wall. His sincerity and politeness just showed that you can have hateful people and loving people and you can have homophobic people and accepting people and there is no connection between the two. I made up a name, just in case he somehow found this.

Toby: read I Corinthians 6:9

Me: "Everyone likes to talk about I Corinthians 6:9. Now if we go back to the Vulgate (Latin Bible from around the year 300) we can see what it means. The key words here are "Masculorum concubitores" this means "The bedfellows of men" its talking about prostitutes, but because of ambiguity it might be talking about those who buy them. Whats more interesting is that the male form (as with other langueges) carries the female form too. So the verse is condemning MALE/FEMALE PROSTITUTES and also the MEN/WOMEN who buy them. If someone reads you the verse and it says "Homosexual" or "effeminite" just tell them their bible has been perverted over time and they should learn more about the bible. Personally, I own a copy of the Vulgate and I laugh at christians who say they know the bible. (I went to a baptist school for a little too long.... they created a monster)" -Brian Stevens

It seems to me that the bible teaches people to have respect for others.
Even if Corinthians 6:9 was supposed to mean what some think it says, do you think then that the hundreds of other times respecting others and treating others like you would treat yourself are mentioned should be overturned just because of that one statement? I guess that is what I really meant at the rally.
I would like to hear what you think about this, and the last thing I would want to do is block out an unheard argument...

Toby: There have been countless of very smart scholars that have translated the Bible to what it is now. I have never heard of the Vulgate and so I dont know of its credibility(theres alot of "books" out there that are "supposedly" inspired by God) All i know is that as a christian i believe everything that the Bible says, word for word. If the Bible says homosexuals, then it means homosexuals. If it meant something else, the scholars over the centuries would have translated it into something else. God created Adam and Eve, man and women. Do you know that humans are the only species that have intercourse looking at each other? I think its for a reason. God made us different than the animals and any other kind of species. This is why homosexuality is so inhuman, it perverts and twists that which God intended to be between a man and women, face to face, not like the animals do.

Me: I understand where you are coming from, but what if those scholars who have translated the bible from god's words have a prejudice towards or against certain people. The bible has been passed through so many hands, how can we fully understand whether or not those who made it knew what god was trying to say?

Also, There are many, many details in the bible, which can be seen and interpreted in many, many ways. Whether we actually notice ourselves doing it or not, we are listening to some parts of the bible more than others. For some, the bible is an excuse to personal prejudices. You can believe what you want, but I just encourage you to try to understand the difference between when you are saying something which is driven by your personal opinion and when you are truly and fully convinced by the text of the bible and nothing outside of it.

My question is, in a world where no bible exists, and there is nobody telling you what to believe, would you still say the same that homosexuality is bad?

Also, I disagree with your comment about humans being the only species which face each other. Why is it that everyone always focuses on this instead of the relationship between two people. I mean, sexual pleasure is most definitely not the most important part of relationships.

Despite what I say, you have any and all right to express your opinion on this subject, as do I. I just please ask you, don't use the bible as a scapegoat to hide your personal opinions.

Toby: Well the men who translated the Bible did not write it in their own words. The Bible is inspired by God. Godtold the men what to write. So if you think there is prejudice in the Bible then you can have that talk with God someday.

I have no personal opinon on homosexality. The Bible is my opinion. Whatever the bible says i believe that is what being a christian is. As a christian I believe every single word in that book so if it says that, "homosexuals will not enter the kingdom of heaven," then homosexuals will not go to heaven, simply put. There is no way around it. If you call yourself a christian then you must believe everything the bible says. THAT IS WHAT YOUR FAITH AND BELIEF IS BASED UPON! You cannot take a shortcut. The bible warns against those who add to the Bible. "I testify to everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book: if anyone adds to them, God shall add to him the plagues which are written in this book."(Revelation 22:18).

To answer your question what if there is a world with no bible. Why would i want to imagine that! The Bible is my life. I have been lost and now found, blind and now see. To say such a thing is foolish and just absurd.

Homosexuality is a sin like every other sin. A homosexual can become a christian but that person must stop being a homosexual. A christian puts off the old man and puts on the new. Now that doesnt mean that christians dont sin. Quite the contrary. When christians do sin, we repent of it and dont do the same sin over and over. So when a homosexual calls himself a christian, he is a pure heretic and will go to hell!

All Im trying to say is that if you call yourself a christian, then you really need to examine yourself and ask yourself if you truly are God's child. Cuz what you are saying is pure heresy. I know it sounds mean but how can you not believe in the Bible when it is right infront of you and say you believe in God who you cannot see?

Ever wonder why the Song of Solomon is in the Bible? The Song of Solomon shows the holy sacrament of marriage between a man and a woman. And believe me there is sexual talk in that book. But it was put there for a reason. To show the holy union between a man and a woman.

I hope i didnt affend you in anyway. But saying the things you are saying and calling yourself a christian is something i take serious offense to and needs to be pointed out. Theres alot of people who say that they are christians and walk a wicked and perverted life. Lets hope and pray that that is not your life.



The bible is a novel. Religion is an idea. And some people in this world have their heads in the clouds. Have your own faith. I have faith in love and happiness. Even the bible says that god's love is everlasting. I believe love for one another is what will bring us together. Love and recognition will save us from ourselves.

The past few weeks have been something else. I wish I had words to explain how happy I am yet how concerned I am. Every time I get happier, I know I am climbing a mountain which I will eventually tumble down. But it doesn't really matter =). I love her, yet I have no idea what love is.

I feel torn now. I just the importance of friends, then this happens. Things would be so much easier if she was in my friend group. No matter who I am with, I feel bad I'm not with either her/my friends. But there is just nothing I can see that I don't like about her.

Why is this the only thing that's on my mind? I need to get this off my mind.

Why can people argue for yes on 1? It angers me so. Why would people not want to allow others the same freedom they have? I just want to talk to them. EVERY SINGLE PART of their argument has a flaw. It just makes me so angry. "There are so many larger issues here, we shouldn't be arguing about same-sex marriage" is what they said when same-sex marriage was being legalized, then SHABAM, what would you know, but those same people turn around and use OUR money and OUR time to reverse what is ALREADY LEGALIZED. They just contradicted themselves, not to mention that no matter how they try to hide it, their argument is based on homophobia. They don't want same-sex marriage to pass just because of how they were taught to think.

Why does homophobia even exist? People are different, and that's wonderful, not something to be scared of. People must be insecure about themselves if they are so scared that people are different than them. I guess it is human nature to be compatible with others, and if we aren't we feel uncomfortable, but seriously, what does it matter? Human nature is but a vestige of what helped us a long, long time ago. Heck, evolution for humans is a vestige of the days when we actually would be hindered in reproducing if something were wrong with us. I mean, evolution isn't something that's really hindering us in society today, but human nature is a different story. We would be better off without it.

Ok, time to go Halloweening.

What I want to do more than anything right now is

A) Talk to Caylin
B) Apologize to her
C) Cry